This isn’t the first time I’ve written to you. But here I am, addressing my anger. I”m angry that you can’t seem to comprehend the effect you have on the people around you. I’m angry that you make decisions that hurt me over and over and over. I’m angry to have found out how many truths you withheld from me when here I was thinking we were best friends. I told you everything. I made myself vulnerable to you in such a real way, and when I did that, you said it was too much for you. And then I removed any responsibility from you to care for me and you go and try and bail in a big way. The biggest way.
I guess there it is. I’m angry that you tried to leave, even after I thought I had managed my expectations in a way that was more reasonable (if unbalanced). I didn’t do a good enough job of managing my expectations. It turns out you are not capable of being held accountable for any of your actions after all. Because you’re unwell. I don’t know if that’s inherently true, but I do know that it is your truth. And that I need to accept it as my own truth.
I guess the reason I’m still angry if because you made me feel less alone. I knew that you could relate to all the weird shit I experience that most people don’t. I thought you were committed to managing it. Living with it. Not letting it be who you are. But I guess it is. At least now.
The good news is that this anger gives me the ability to do-over what I was too young to do the first time someone I loved this much bailed. To manage my grief so that I feel it and address it and accept it without letting it scar me the way it did when she left. Or when I perceived her as leaving.
I know now that she never really left, her soul just isn’t in her body in this world. I know that she’s alive in the curve where my leg meets my torso and in the smooth black stones that line the bottom of Lake Ontario.
I feel so grateful to be alive. This is different. I can’t change your choices. All I can do is accept them. Accept you as you choose to be.
Love, tenderness, acceptance, devastation,