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The Interdisciplinary Work of Lyss England

Posts tagged community

Check out my conversation with David Sheffield!

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We talk about:

“Explore Asset-Based Community Development, a tool for connecting and resourcing those who desire to build healthy and vibrant communities. With 20 years of experience in community development, guest presenter, Jonathan Massimi, Community Centres Supervisor for the City of Kitchener, believes if properly guided people can become architects of their own future.

This free, participatory workshop is presented with the financial support of Northumberland United Way. Thanks to the congregation of Grace Church for sharing their space for this Community 101 presentation.”

  • How David stays well in his line of work
  • How David balances his growing family of adult children and grandkids with his community work

and more!

 

Featured Tunes:

Crush Me by The Muffs
Ordinary Day by Great Big Sea
NDN Kars by A Tribe Called Red
Pimmel by The Muffs

 

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Check out my conversation with David Newland (deemed “quality radio” by closet radio producer, Meghan Sheffield)!

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We talk about:

  • His new album, Northbound
  • His work with Adventure Canada
  • Making Northumberland County home
  • Reconsidering the way we, as settlers, approach truth and reconciliation

and more!

Don’t miss David’s upcoming show in Cobourg!! Click here for details!

Featured Tunes by:
Kim Doolittle
Cale Crowe
Kyler Tapscott
David Newland

Check out my conversation with Nicole Brown!

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We chat about parenting a kid with autism and how changing policy is affecting her family. We talk about autism, what it takes to support a child with autism, and Nicole’s vision for better policy.

Featured Tunes:
10 000 Miles by Clan Hannigan
No Happy Birthday by Hayden
Parachute by James Durbin
Doll Parts by Hole

Check out my conversation (with beautiful co-host, Natalie!) with Chase and Brett of 172 Simcoe St. in Peterborough!

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We talk all about their new venue (and their opening this Saturday!), the local live music scenes, their band, Bonnavilles, their major beef with another local band (get your hot scoop here…;)), what community means and how punk rock contributes to building community, and lots more!

Featured Tunes:
Quit Your Job by Chixdiggit!
Short Attention by Fizzy Bangers
Cleaver, Maddening, Annoying by Short Attention
Better Part by Bonnavilles

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“I texted my friend to say I wanted to talk with them about something and it made them really anxious and now they want an apology.”

It’s never fun to get those texts or to be the person who genuinely just wants to have a conversation and finds out someone was distressed by their message. We’ve all been there, probably on either side at some point or another. Whether in romantic relationships, friendships, or even professional relationships, our actions affect one another.

If you’re a person with anxiety, you can probably relate even more. Catastrophizing is a thing we do by definition, and “Hey dude, can we talk when you get off work?” can quickly turn into “Hey dude, I think you totally suck and I don’t want to be friends with you anymore ’cause you’re the worst”.

This  fear relies on the concept that things are being done to us, and that means that we have no control over our experience. By giving into this fear (which, yeah, is real and uncomfortable), we allow ourselves to give any power we do have over our reactions away. And then our fear is enforced. It’s also a way we tend to avoid accountability for our uncomfortable feelings. If we can blame someone else instead of taking ownership for ourselves, that’s a lot easier in the short term. This then allows us to justify our feelings, which are often unavoidable within ourselves, rather than just giving ourselves permission to feel them. I wrote about this before when I wrote about escaping and preventing toxic communities:

Escaping and preventing toxic communities comes down to changing our perspectives from “they did this to me and this feels awful” to “this happened and it feels awful because I’m perceiving it as something that was done TO me that I have no control over.”. The reality is that you do have control over what you do with your hurt. Sure, communicating to the person you felt hurt by may be helpful, but what will be really helpful is you changing your perception (and thus, your reality) of the hurtful thing. It’s not about ignoring the hurt or “choosing not to feel it”. I mean, that sounds nice, but we all know it’s not that simple. It’s about feeling it and acknowledging that it probably had nothing to do with you and everything to do with the other person/people. What is yours is your reaction. When we accept people for where they are at, it makes for far healthier and happier interpersonal relationships. And when we can’t reconcile where someone’s at with the reality we’re choosing to actively build for ourselves, we get to choose the context in which we relate to that person.

This works on a smaller level than just in the context of community-building. It also works in individual relationships. So here are three easy steps for what to do when someone makes you feel bad:

1. Readjust your paradigm.

Did someone make you feel some way? Or are you feeling someway about something what happened?

2. Take back your power.

Once you’ve shifted your paradigm to a place where you’re recognizing that you have control over your reaction rather than simply being a passive recipient of something someone else does to you, you’ll find you have a lot more choice over how you respond. No, this isn’t a magical anxiety cure- but it does help.  A lot. This is the time to make an in-the-moment decision about what’s going to happen for you. Sometimes, (okay, a lot of the time) that reaction is emotional and it’s totally okay to let yourself feel it. But don’t act on it immediately. Take a breath and give yourself a little time and gentleness to feel what you need to feel.

3. Make a decision about how you want to react.

Sometimes people do things that violate our boundaries, which is one of the most common reasons we end up getting in our feels. The good news is that we’re in control of our boundaries and we can shift them as we need to. Although emotions aren’t always negotiable, actions (and reactions) are. And it can feel really empowering to choose who you want in your life and the context that you choose to have them. Sometimes it’s worth the work to communicate about your boundaries and to negotiate your interactions with people, and sometimes it’s not. The cool thing is that it’s your choice.

I’ve mentioned that emotions aren’t always negotiable, especially for people living with anxiety disorders, but I also need to acknowledge that we live in a social world where so much is out of control. The way our disabled bodies operate in a late-capitalist system, the way race affects peoples’ experiences, the way our gender dictates literally how much we will be paid or how likely we are so be raped… We don’t have control over those things. And I want to be very clear that I am not talking about systemic violence in the rest of this post. It’s also well worth noting that people have the choice to use whatever privilege they may have to hold some space for oppressed people’s reactions for being oppressed. That shit is real.

What this post is about is about how we do our best to operate within this world and how we can tangibly go about standing in our power when we do have control over what happens. Because that’s real too. And all of these things can exist simultaneously.