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The Interdisciplinary Work of Lyss Warmland.

Posts tagged parenting

Twenty-six.
Karen, I see you
Your hair used to reach 3/4 of the way
To that space where your waist curves in
Where your lover used to hold you
But now you can’t stand to be touched 
by the end of the day

You cut your hair because your baby,
Captivated by its colour 
when it catches the light,
Grabs the front pieces that had just started to
Grow back
Postpartum hair loss 
Doesn’t include the loss from infants
Manually extracting hairs from their mothers but it’s never looked less like yours
And more like his

You cut your hair because 
Who has time to style it when 
It’s more important 
To chase after your newly mobile son
And you lost your curls when he
Lived in your body 
His first home
You thought he may have stolen them
The way he stole your childhood birthmark
But his hair is straighter than an arrow

Karen, I see you when you lose it
At the coffee shop barista because
She put cows milk in your almond milk order
Because your body can’t process cows milk
Since everything changed 
And it’s the first time you’d spoken to 
Another adult all day and
No one has listened to you in nine months
So that almond milk order was your attempt
To reach out for what you needed and
It went unheard 

Karen, 
That barista is someone’s baby
And she phoned her mother during her
Cigarette break from her shift 
To reach out to her verbally because
She hasn’t seen her in nine months 
Because she has to work to pay her rent and
Her mother has been sick for years and 
She just doesn’t know what 

the right thing 

to do 

is

Just like you don’t really know what he right thing

To do

Is

I see you, Karen, 
You feel unheard because you are
And so is she
And this isn’t new
This isn’t about milk
This isn’t about masks
This isn’t about care
This is about desperation. 

Check out my conversation with Sarah Norris Andrews!

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We talk about:
– How Sarah came to Northumberland County
– Babywearing and getting outside locally
– Sarah’s experience parenting as a non-binary parent
– Gendered language
– the messages they learned about gender and what they want to teach their daughter
…and way more!

Check out my interview with Jacqueline Pennington!

https://northumberland897.ca/nothing-exists/2020/6/19/the-nothing-exists-radio-hour-s3e18-jacqueline-pennington-raising-a-transgender-child

We talk about:
– Her experience with learning her son’s true gender
– Expectations we have about our child’s gender starting in pregnancy
– What transitioning can look like with children
– Political misconceptions and barriers within our local healthcare community regarding transgender children
– Navigating consent and advocacy work with her son
and tons more.

Featured Tunes:
Paper Thin by RVIVR
Pretty Girls (The Mover) by Against Me!
We Belong by The Hextalls
Freedom by Beyonce ft. Kendrick Lamar

In this episode, I share some poetry, quotes, an essay, and a playlist of material created by Black artists.
https://northumberland897.ca/nothing-exists/2020/6/15/the-nothing-exists-radio-hour-s3e17-amplifying-black-voices

Hundreds attend Black Lives Matter march in Cobourg | Watch News ...



The Nothing Exists Radio Hour stands with Black Lives Matter. These are some resources to assist in learning more about actively practicing anti-racism in our lives.

Somewhere to Start

Guide to Allyship
https://guidetoallyship.com/

White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack
https://www.racialequitytools.org/resourcefiles/mcintosh.pdf

“Dear White People, This Is What we Want You To Do”
https://insidethekandidish.wordpress.com/2020/05/30/dear-white-people-this-is-what-we-want-you-to-do/?fbclid=IwAR2hDzM1jRE2bQDgF4LNWfJQftxywBSycH3gJ43bkTQ1vC2CTamKchq4764

“Showing Up For Racial Justice: Five Ways White people Can Take Action in Response to White and State-Sanctioned Violence”
https://medium.com/@surj_action/5-ways-white-people-can-take-action-in-response-to-white-and-state-sanctioned-violence-2bb907ba5277

75 Things White People Can Do for Racial Justice
https://medium.com/equality-includes-you/what-white-people-can-do-for-racial-justice-f2d18b0e0234

Information for Parents

George Floyd’s mother was not there, but he used her as a sacred invocation” An essay by Lonnae O’Neal
https://www.nationalgeographic.com/history/2020/05/george-floyds-mother-not-there-he-used-her-as-sacred-invocation/?fbclid=IwAR1QwvwtWe-JfD_Jea-eV1Fk1pUCLmq49f6V023YRM92-y_PYYLeQBk1TAs

The Black Mamas Matter Alliance
https://blackmamasmatter.org/

30 Books to Help You Talk to Your Kids about Racism
https://www.todaysparent.com/family/books/kids-books-that-talk-about-racism/?fbclid=IwAR3zCe3-Kt2Ayz9wf4iWuIKLrrBwsnXPOEQ1mrAp3IjGs9DphBwHHLQ9-t4#gallery/books-that-talk-about-racism/slide-1

Where to Find Diverse Kids Books
https://www.embracerace.org/resources/where-to-find-diverse-childrens-books
Your Kids Aren’t Too Young to Talk About Race: Resource Roundup
https://www.prettygooddesign.org/blog/Blog%20Post%20Title%20One-5new4


Information for Theatre People

“We See You, White American Theatre”
https://www.weseeyouwat.com/

Off-Broadway’s Response to Black Lives Matter
https://www.playbill.com/article/how-have-off-broadway-theatre-companies-responded-to-black-lives-matter?fbclid=IwAR2B_68JXoYOQNq3vbLxgYCTONmXk-Xz2xAaSfksy45e1CqfLASxi9bF348


Information for Cannabis Users

Race and Drug War
https://www.drugpolicy.org/issues/race-and-drug-war

“Here’s How to Start Fixing Racism in Cannabis Dispensaries”
https://www.leafly.ca/news/industry/heres-how-to-start-fixing-racism-in-cannabis-dispensaries


Information for Community-Builders

Racial Equity Tools: Community Builders (Resource list)
https://www.racialequitytools.org/act/strategies/community-building

Anti-Racism and Anti-Discrimination for Municipalities: Introductory Manual
http://www.ohrc.on.ca/en/book/export/html/2495

Anti-Racist Organizational Change: Resources and Tools for Nonprofits
https://coco-net.org/wp-content/uploads/2018/05/Anti-Racist-Organizational-Change-Resources-Tools-for-Nonprofits.pdf

“Defunding the Police Will Save Black and Indigenous Lives in Canada” by Sandy Hudson (Co-founder of Black Lives Matter Toronto)
https://www.huffingtonpost.ca/entry/defund-police-canada-black-indigenous-lives_ca_5ed65eb2c5b6ccd7c56bdf7d?fbclid=IwAR2AWe3BPOEIPdHDKvFN7Hino_38SH7sp54fqUYAUNJ3YUubWhjHfn4kj24&guccounter=1&guce_referrer=aHR0cHM6Ly9sLmZhY2Vib29rLmNvbS8&guce_referrer_sig=AQAAAGpVKJDTmAiin1B0xuk8zTYg0VgFlsESr7jfjLNsaWW5bP67Dunn97ZAD3rHaK6cm0eEK4IA7j00MEkde84j0E23kX5fBqXA9PDPyuci7RTb-dKlbgVZMbjQKmBk_5a1vUOJdGZt_mXZG9ErGsqVBDBciyWxgDyqE0sip2E_eUCR

This episode contains material from:
Mary Helen Kennerly
https://www.creativenonfiction.org/authors/mary-helen-kennerly

Audre Lorde
https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poets/audre-lorde

Angela Y. Davis
https://guides.library.cornell.edu/davis/publications

Rachel Cargle
https://www.rachelcargle.com/

bell hooks
http://www.bellhooksinstitute.com/

Sandy Huffman
https://blacklivesmatter.ca/

A.B. Cofer
https://www.instagram.com/a.b.cofer/?hl=en

Music By:
Beyonce
Shad
Alicia Keys
Lauryn Hill
Bad Brains
Ray Charles
J Cole
Bloc Party
Lizzo


Big thanks and much love to Elyse, Julien, and Maya Comire for their beautiful voices!





Check out my conversation with Mathew Thompson!

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We talk about: 

  • How Mathew knew he wanted to be a chef
  • His experience in the food industry
  • How he ended up in Northumberland County
  • What it’s been like opening up his own restaurant, Ganarascals
  • What we can expect from the future of Ganarascals
  • What it’s like balancing being a business owner and a dad
  • How the work Mathew does keeps him well

Upcoming Events at Ganarascals:
IT’s Trivia
Uncle Bass is Terry Wilkins
Pat Temple and the HiLo Players
Steve Marriner

Featured Tunes by:
Hailiah
The Clash
TOOL
Tiny Stills

Check out my conversation with Nicole Brown!

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We chat about parenting a kid with autism and how changing policy is affecting her family. We talk about autism, what it takes to support a child with autism, and Nicole’s vision for better policy.

Featured Tunes:
10 000 Miles by Clan Hannigan
No Happy Birthday by Hayden
Parachute by James Durbin
Doll Parts by Hole

Check out my interview with Saskia and Dana of Northumberland Parents Empowering Parents!

Image may contain: text that says 'NOTHING EXISTS NORTHUMBERIAND ARENTS EMPOWERING PARENTS'

We talk all about youth mental health and this new group for parents to talk about how to approach youth mental health from a parenting perspective. Part way through the interview, we’re also joined by Dana’s daughter, Kira, who shares some insight about being a teenager in Northumberland County right now- and she plays a song live, in studio!

Featured Tunes:

Matt’s Song by The Soviettes
10 000 Miles by Clan Hannigan
Angela (Lumineers cover) by The Hannigan Sisters
Eyes Closed (Halsey cover) by Kira Gelineau

Content- This essay contains my miscarriage stories and suggestions about what to say to people in your life when they’re miscarrying. This advice is based on my own experiences, but you know your friends best. This is meant to be a starting point and also to generally start more conversations about miscarriage in general, because it’s more common than we think…
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Almost a year ago, my partner and I decided we were ready to have a baby. We’d always talked about wanting a family, and we were at a place where we felt that financially and emotionally we were ready to start it. After 6 months, I took a test and found that it was faint, but positive. I tested religiously the next few mornings and watched the line darken- just a bit. Within another week and a half I was bleeding and a visit to the doctor confirmed that my HCG levels had fallen to 4. They called it a chemical pregnancy.

Two months later, I was pregnant again. I hoped that this was the time, but I was secretly waiting for blood. I started to feel sick, I monitored my HCG levels, and then started to see them rise more slowly than they should. I went to the the hospital for an unrelated reason, and when I told them I was 7 weeks pregnant, they offered to do an ultrasound for me to confirm that my organs were all in decent shape, related to my reason for being there. They weren’t looking for  heartbeat, but they also didn’t find one. I was referred to an OB who sent me for a more in depth ultrasound. It was confirmed that there was no heartbeat. I opted to wait to miscarry naturally, hoping for some miracle baby that was just hiding. A few weeks later, after a visit with my midwife, who I was planning to get my care from, where she answered all my questions, I got my final confirmation. My next choice was to take a medication to help pass the pregnancy or to do a D&C. I was still hoping not to have a D&C, so I tried the pills.  

They caused some bleeding, but nothing like what I was expecting. A scan a few days later proved me right, I was still pregnant, but there was no baby. I tried another version of the medication and I had a day of pure hell where I thought it was all over with, but my next follow up showed that there was still tissue inside of me. They told me they would do a D&C that day and I texted my partner asking him to come to the hospital. When he had to go to work, my dad showed up to drive me home and make me soup and walk my dog. When my partner got home, he sat with me and we talked for a while and then went to bed early.

**Important side note: the “abortion pill” became approved and available in Canada over the last few years and is only covered by six provinces. Without OHIP, each round of drugs would have cost me $337.25.

All in all, it’s been one hell of an experience trying to expand our family. My partner and I had been of the mindset that is was something to be open about with the people close to us, since it was something that was a huge deal in our life and support (or at least understanding) would be nice in the case of a loss. What we found when we told people about our losses, was that most women we knew had their own miscarriage stories. We also found that, like with any loss, people rarely know what the “right” thing to say is.

The short answer is that there’s no right thing to say because there’s nothing that can be said to change that your friend/family member/whatever has experienced a loss. That’s not always the most practical (or sensitive) thing to say in the moment though. The only thing I heard more than people’s own miscarriage stories was “people really need to talk about it more”. And we do, and I gotta tell you, it felt good to hear that my story wasn’t unusual. because grief is lonely enough without acknowledging that miscarriage is such a common reason for so many people’s grief.

Here are some ideas for things to say when someone in your life has had a miscarriage:

1. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

As someone who has experienced a decent amount of significant deaths around me, I feel pretty confident saying that this is solid way to respond in any situation where someone is grieving for any kind of loss. You acknowledge that they’re going through something and it’s appropriate, regardless of your relationship with the person or how close you are to them.

2. Do you want to talk about it?

If you’re fairly close with this person, it’s worth asking if they want to talk about it if you have the emotional capacity and physical time to take that on. If you don’t have that emotional capacity or physical time, just don’t offer.

This shows that you’re able to hold that space for your person and encourages them to process what they’re experiencing. Even early loss can feel like crap (to say the least) when you’ve been trying to get pregnant and found out that you were. Some people don’t process through talking about it, or they may just not  want to in that moment. By asking, you’ve given them the option to talk about it or not with you.

3. Do you want some company? I’m available at [time, days].

This is another way of identifying a way you feel capable of being supportive. Sometimes it can be lonely when you’re grieving and it helps to have people around physically. Sometimes it’s nice to have a distraction from feeling bad to talk about completely unrelated things.

Miscarriage can be an intense experience, both physically and emotionally, at times, but it’s important to consider that even grieving people are whole humans and their grief isn’t all that’s going on for them. It can be a really helpful way of supporting your person.

4. I get that you’re going through a lot right now. Take whatever time you need.

We live in a society where we put a lot of pressure on women to carry on with their lives during their pregnancy, especially early pregnancy, which people are typically expected to hide. My experience of early pregnancy was that it can be pretty challenging to carry on with everything in your life when you’re exhausted and nauseous. Miscarriage can be painful, physically and emotionally.

Sometimes, knowing that people realize you need a little more gentleness or time or space or care can be really helpful, whether that’s an extra day off work or understanding around missing a meeting.

5. What kind of soup do you like?

Bringing people food is rarely a bad idea, especially if they’re sad or not feeling well. Soup is warm, comforting, and most people like at least one kind. Be a friend. Bring soup.